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To say to someone, ‘I need you because I love you’, is a very noble statement that while giving freedom it also acknowledges our need for interdependence and that it is through relationship that we grow and mature. On the other hand to say to someone, ‘I love you because I need you’, while it may sound right is actually a covert statement that you must be there to meet my needs, and yours will always come second. This is the formula for a controlling relationship where there is little freedom, a need for subservience, and a tendency towards suspicion and distrust. Such a relationship places divine expectations on the other to always be there as an extension to one's own private kingdom. It is where I make another to be the center of my life; they become my identity and I live through that person. The model of this relationship is of a clinging vine where the only answer for the one being clung to, if they are to survive, is to withdraw support. While this demands courage it is also a form of tough love because the other is in fact suppressing their own best qualities and needs to develop them.

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