BOUNDARIES

Fr Jim Cogley

We all know what it’s like when someone has so invaded our personal space that we feel as if they are in our face. When anger is used in the correct manner it serves to protect personal space by not allowing any form of invasion and creating a ‘back off’ energy. Many of us find this difficult because of having weak boundaries. We may not even realize that we have a right to say ‘no’ or ‘enough’. Somewhere in the past there was an infringement that left a weakness or vulnerability. Many who are abuse victims say, ‘I feel as if I carry a sign on my forehead that says ‘here I am, do what you like with me.’ When I always end up feeling the victim of others or external forces, that is a good sign that I have inner work to do. This is first to explore the roots of my vulnerability and use that awareness to claim what is essentially my own space.

If we were to calibrate our current self-esteem level on a scale of one to ten where might the needle land. Suppose we score seven which would be the most common figure then what are the implications? It means that thirty percent of my space is not available to me and the same percentage of my power is invested somewhere else. Usually, it’s the one or ones who are closest to me who then have that power because I am now relying on them for approval and validation. The power that someone else has over my life is in fact the power I have given them albeit unconsciously. To have my world rocked by what someone else’s says or does is usually an indication of how enmeshed I have become with them and how much of my power I need to reclaim.

When our self-esteem is not what it needs to be we will have a need to please, have a fear of rejection and likely have a difficulty in saying ‘no’. If I am not there for myself I will think that I have to be there at everyone’s beck and call. Deep down I will be resenting this and also unconsciously using others and their neediness to make me feel better about myself. This makes parenting difficult because ‘no’ doesn’t mean ‘no’ and we give in to emotional manipulation. Children have a way of capitalising on our weakness in order to get their own way. This is also true with pet control where we forget that by not being firm and holding the line we are creating long-term problems for the animal. Those who can say ‘no’ and mean it tend to command much more respected that those who are doormats.. ‘No’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘never’, it might just mean ‘not now’ and you will need to wait until I’m ready.

Boundaries were often an issue when growing up. I can remember my father having many heated discussions with neighbours when their sheep or cattle would trespass on our land and often do a lot of damage depending on the crop sown and the time of year. It was usually a blame game where the trespasser would be deemed fully responsible and my father would be quite irate and threatening legal action. It was ironic that he died when I was eleven while fixing fences. The significance of this took me years to appreciate. However, even as a small child I used to think who was really responsible? Was it the farmer next door for allowing his animals to trespass, or was it not my dad for being careless when it came to fencing and not having strong boundaries in place? It’s all too easy to blame the one who belittles us, makes us feel small, or even intimidates us, but it takes real maturity to recognize that this can only happen if my boundaries are weak in the first place.