NARCISSISM - PART 2

By Fr Jim Cogley

What is it like to be be in relationship with or to grow up with a ‘full blown’ narcissist? I use the term because there are elements of Narcissism in all of us. The answer has to be, very confusing, and for a child in the long term, very debilitating. The narcissist is so in love with his own beauty and perfection as to be utterly incapable of loving anyone else and that includes conversely his own true self. Yet everything on the surface may appear to be perfect and to the best standards that society expects. Home life can appear perfect, to the outside world it may look like the perfect marriage. There is no obvious violence, neglect or abuse. Whatever the societal norm may be, it is fulfilled to the letter. This itself is confusing because the other party may be unable to point out anything as being amiss and so conclude that I had a perfect childhood and there was nothing there that would seem in any way to contribute to my present miserable state of feeling so hollow.

The realization that I was or am married to a narcissist or that my most ‘perfect’ parent was a narcissist comes as a lightbulb moment of shocking realization where the illusion of a lifetime is shattered. At long last I see clearly that I was never loved but I was being used to bolster up the image of someone’s fixation on perfectionism. To all appearances I appeared to be loved but deep down I could never feel it and wondered why. ‘Was there something wrong with me’ I might even have wondered? Everything I did was to please that person and it was never enough. I was the perfect child. I never let the family down; I worked hard in school and college. I may even have chosen a career that I knew would please that person. Suddenly it’s as if the fog lifts and I am seeing things as they are for the first time. I was not loved for who I was but become over time the means whereby that person could further inflate their ego. Such a realization is to say the least a bitter pill of truth to swallow.

Living with a narcissist there will have been questions, not always conscious, that I will have been asking without ever getting answers. Wy did this person always need to be the center of attention; have an opinion on everything, and never admit to being wrong? Why did they always need to be admired so and why did the opinion of others matter so much? What will the neighbors’ think may have been the catch phrase? How come that this person was so lacking in genuine feeling and unable to be empathetic? How come they had such a knack of capitalizing on your weaknesses and making you feel weak and inadequate. They may have carried a sense of grandiosity where everything out there was deemed so important, and you were left wondering if there was anything at the core or was it actually hollow? Still, to all appearances everything seemed so right so it was you who must be wrong. This is the obvious conclusion.

Where does Narcissism begin; what are its roots? This is not very clear. Perhaps we can obtain a clue from the original myth. Narcissus’ mother raised her son to God like status; she treated him as ultra special. This was confirmed for him when he saw his beautiful reflection. The adulation of the parent and being unable to see any fault in the child can lead to an inflated ego that may or may not burst in the course of that lifetime. At the opposite extreme a child who had little going for them in terms of parentage and background may discover some special gift or talent that lifts them from the swamp of anonymity and affords recognition and prestige. This gift is their ticket to stardom and becomes the image that sets them above everyone else. Later in life there is nothing else to hold to because beneath there is only a bottomless pit of unmet needs.