PEOPLE PLEASING

By Fr Jim Cogley

There are many who run themselves ragged as they try to forge a career out of meeting other people’s needs even to the point of always wanting to please. A lady admitted to doing this all the time with her husband, her children her work colleagues, her neighbors and her friends. Her most frequently used phrase was, ‘are you okay’? For the slightest reason she would forego her own comfort and time in order to make people happy and then when someone was disappointed, she would be devastated. In effect all her relationships were based on the need to please and this in turn made her a slave to others’ expectations; she could never say ‘no’ out of fear of rejection. Recognizing this became her key to freedom. Before we help anyone a useful question to ask is: Whose need am I meeting - theirs or mine?

This is an area where so many of us run aground, the inability to say no to even legitimate demands from those we love and even those we don’t. Even after a full day’s work many believe that they should always be there for friends and remain on call from from colleagues and workmates. So, we exhaust ourselves and get angry. Having said ‘yes’ to so many we end up feeling tired, used and taken for granted. Here we are operating out of our own need to be needed, and it is not those who are crossing our boundaries that are to blame. Very few can see beyond the horizon of their own hurt and so to expect them to understand our needs is not realistic. Unless we maintain our boundaries in good order and be able to say an honest ‘no’ without feeling guilty we will end up giving, not out of generosity, but out of resentment. This means that those we give to won’t respect us and the relationship will be ruined by the very help we give.