THE IMPORTANCE OF BOUNDARIES

Fr Jim Cogley

Some years back I responded to a crisis situation by taking someone into my home who was homeless. It seemed the right and Christian thing to do and felt like fulfilling one of the corporal works of mercy. However before responding out of compassion, I failed to set firm boundaries in place as to how long this arrangement would last, how daily chores were to be shared and even if that person should make a contribution towards food and utilities. Nor was there any time set aside every few days to review the situation and discuss any issues as they would arise. As days flowed into weeks and then months, this person became more and more comfortable and was no longer showing any signs of wanting to move on. By this time I was feeling taken for granted and even resentful. When eventually it became necessary to confront what was going on, it was not a pleasant encounter, and we parted not on the best of terms. I could only hold myself responsible for not setting firm boundaries in place from the beginning.

Growing up on a farm I can remember my father having many heated discussions with neighbours when their sheep or cattle would trespass on our land and often do a lot of damage depending on the crop sown and the time of year. It was usually a blame game where the trespasser would be deemed fully responsible and my father would be quite irate and threatening legal action. It was ironic that he died when I was eleven while fixing  fences. The significance of this took me years to appreciate. However, even as a small child I used to think who was really responsible? Was it the farmer next door for allowing his animals to trespass, or was it not my dad for being careless when it came to fencing and not having strong boundaries in place? It’s all too easy to blame the one who belittles us, makes us feel small, or even intimidates us, but it takes real maturity to recognize that this can only happen if my boundaries are weak in the first place.