REGRESSION

By Fr Jim Cogley

During a lifetime of counseling, I have witnessed innumerable people come in my door in a very distressed emotional state and thankfully go out, still aware of their pain, but with hope and often with a smile on their faces. Such individuals often felt that their life was at an end, that they had lost the plot and even hope seemed hopeless. What had changed during the session was usually a dawning awareness of where they were at and what was happening in their inner world. Having a grasp of one’s situation is like finding a bridge over troubled water where I am no longer being swept along by the current. Years of practice makes any counsellor alert to the nature of regression, and where a person’s chronological age and their emotional age may be completely out of sync. Our emotional age in a time of difficulty is like a default position that given the right triggers I slip into, and in so doing seem to lose my grasp on my adult, normal self.

While in a state of regression a person doesn’t just react from that emotional age, rather they are that age and act out of that age. The particular default age is where the person sees the world from, and so it can be a crucifixion to have to deal with adult reality like going to work, standing in front of others, coping with teenagers who are emotionally older than you, and even trying to relate to a partner. In effect, depending on the age of the regression, the regressed person hasn’t yet had children nor have they even met their partner. For the victim this is quite troubling and incomprehensible, that even nearest and dearest can seem like strangers and are experienced as a burden. Even the ability to communicate is gone and the person feels utterly isolated and even beyond help. In this state there are no markers as to how long the turmoil might last, will I end up needing psychiatric care, or even will I survive the intensity of the onslaught. Many during this state become convinced that the angel of death is not too far away and even pray that he hurries up.

Childhood regression is extremely common, even in its extreme form, where it has become a state of being and not just a childish reaction. Sometimes its even possible to look at a grown adult and still see a child that has never grown up. Its’ as if as the child got older it only grew in size and put of adult clothing. Being chidlike and childish are very different. Childish behavior can include, blaming and complaining, withdrawing, manipulating, seeking revenge and being sarcastic when not getting their own way. They also have great difficulty when it comes to expressing their own needs. In this default state the regressed one exhibits much the same behaviours. Often the unmet needs of childhood have been projected onto a partner and thus precipitated a crisis or breakup of the relationship. This in turn has awakened the inner child who has been screaming for attention for many years but never heard as long as there was a parent substitute available.